rustedtusks.com

So...to keep things fun during this vacation of mine from SLOP, I thought I'd start an amusing, at least to me, thread.
Got a question about life, relationships, and such? OR want to know something about the world of SLOP through Mulefoot's eyes? Now is your chance to ask. You only get one question and there's no discussion. Think of this a bit like Helpful Hints from Heloise or Dear Abby.

Don't ask Mulefoot too much about himself. He doesn't like that.

Dear Tony-Ray,

Considering how far you've traveled across this big ol' world, all the sites you've seen, what's the one place you'd recommend for an honest-to-goodness amazing vacation. I mean the kind where you can really appreciate the sights, the kind where you can really relax and have fun,..the kind you, yourself, would like to go back and visit sometime. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,..

Tired of the "Old Grind"

Well, Jah-doo-er-how you say that name?

Don't reckon Ah can answer that. Ain't never really had a vacation except for the time mah parents took me, Dallas, Vernon, Billy, Malachi and the twins to the natural bridge on the state of Franklin. That was pretty impressive but Ah don't remember a whole lot. Ah was ten at the time. What sticks out was the ol' saltpeter mine and how they used to cast musket balls by pouring molten lead somehow from the top and it'd form balls on the way down before it landed in the river.

Ah don't really get vacations, anyway. If'n you don't like your life, maybe you oughta live it differently. Ain't no use in runnin'.

dear mr. ray-

where do corvids shop? they have what look like such different body types compared the all the other people. they have all those feathers. and they don't seem all that frequent in your wanderings...are there just not many corvids around?

also, what's your prefered brand of truck for hauling?

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// and your face looked like somethin' death brought with him in a suitcase.

Dear Mr MacCee,

ever since my husband Irwin subscribed to that terrible adult website ("RamPage", I suspect it is called), he wants me to do these nasty things in our matrimonial bed. Why, just yesterday he insisted that I put on a stranger's male clothing and growl and snarl at him! When I checked, I found the name "Mr Thelonius Wolf" stitched into the hem of these awful rags.

Should I be worried? How can I discourage him? And why did he order this wagonload of BBQ sauce? Will his new kinks ruin us financially?

Sincerely yet worried,
Sheep's Kate

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A lone figure sits still by a pool - he's been stamped human bacon by some butchering tool - he is you...
Social Security took care of this lad - we watch in reverence - as Narcissus is turned to a flower

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Gas burns fast. Liquor burns quicker.

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"Sharp sword and empty horizon. Sometimes that's all a man needs... sometimes."

Dear Tony-Ray,

after a long and heated debate with a nameless hare who's always carrying around his "The Convergence Is Nigh" sign, I'm left with a dubious existential dread that your column might remedy.

Did humans really once exist, or are they just a figment of our imagination, created to grace cereal packages, venerated as football mascots, and idolized in Disney movies and by young furs dressing up and calling themselves "Smoothies"?

Sincerely,
Spiritual Mange

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A lone figure sits still by a pool - he's been stamped human bacon by some butchering tool - he is you...
Social Security took care of this lad - we watch in reverence - as Narcissus is turned to a flower

Sorry Hal...one queston only. Tis the rules.

what's your favorite book?

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A lone figure sits still by a pool - he's been stamped human bacon by some butchering tool - he is you...
Social Security took care of this lad - we watch in reverence - as Narcissus is turned to a flower

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Emoticons are the wheelchair ramps for the humor impaired.

Dearest Tony,

As you know, my neck of the woods have been a little tense lately, with all the tanks and deposed government and abolished constitution etc. etc. blah, blah, blah... Normally it wouldn't bother me, but I recently had wild and dirty relations with a "gentleman" who turned out to be one of those recently deposed politicians (the equivalent of a senator,) he also revealed himself to be grade-A prime Asshole.
Normally I wouldn't be fussed by this either, and would remove the blot from my life with a resounding "FECK YOU!" but given his status, and that his family is a veritable political dynasty (remember, this is the Mango, so it is sometimes necessary to interchange "political" with "mafia-style")I don't think that's the best way to go. I'm a big fan of your work, and was just wondering if you have any creative suggestions for me about how to deal with this pig, sorry, ass, no, fecker?

Yours,
The disillusioned voter within the mango

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Blobs of lots of

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Blobs of lots of